Health at Every Size

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I have dieted over the years, and after each "successful" weight loss, I have gained back twice as much as the original loss. I discovered the size-acceptance movement in the early '90s and embraced my weight, maintaining it for 10 years, until my doctor discovered sugar in my urine. What followed was a seven-year nightmare of doctors, endocronologists, orders to lose weight, prescriptions of drugs I didn't want to take and a reunion with body hatred and the battle of the bulge. I became obsessed and tortured by my struggle to keep the weight off that I had lost during this time. What started out as a quest for good health resulted in a diet roller coaster like none other I had ridden.

I returned to therapy, met with a nutritionist, consulted my medical doctor, none of whom could give me answers as to why I couldn't lose weight. The harder I tried, the easier it was to gain. I panicked as my weight began to creep closer to the original starting point, which was the highest it had ever been, when the supposed health problems began.

I began to become suspicious of the common prescription of diet and exercise. I read books and spent endless hours on the internet searching for answers. I created a Meetup group for support. It was through one of the members of that group that I was introduced to Linda Bacon's book "Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth about Your Weight."

I finished the book in a couple of days. It was such a good read, and I related to everything she talked about. I soaked up all the information, including the all-important message of size acceptance, something I'd lived and forgotten. The transformation of a diet mentality to self-acceptance, though, began long before I completed the book. I could feel the peace from within, peace I had been seeking for nearly a decade. It isn't my fault. Nobody had every said that before. It had always been my fault. Failure was all I knew when it came to weight, body image, and dieting (despite great success in all other areas of my life). For the first time since the diabetes diagnosis, I feel an enormous freedom from guilt, shame, and failure.

By the way, I controlled my sugar with a change in diet, and it came down after only losing 5 pounds. Back then I (and my doctor) attributed the normal sugar readings with the weight loss, not the change in foods I was eating. Now looking back, after reading this book, I realize it wasn't the weight loss that "cured" my diabetes (for which my doctors claim there is no cure) just as it wasn't the weight gain that caused my diabetes. One of the biggest (failed) motivators of losing weight and keeping it off was the diabetes. I no longer fear gaining weight, and ironically since changing my thinking, the gaining has ceased. For the first time in 7 years, I am maintaining my weight. And the most powerful observation is, by listening to my own body for cues as discussed in the book, I have been eating less, even during Thanksgiving. For the first time in my whole life, I did not stuff myself on Thanksgiving. And it wasn't because I was dieting or trying not to. It was a very natural feeling to stop before that point.

I highly recommend this book to everyone who struggles with a healthy relationship with food, everyone who diets, everyone who has several sizes of clothes on hand, and everyone who wants to be healthy.

The Long and Winding Road to Hana

We set off for the Road to Hana at 6:15 a.m. We were going to pick up another veggie sprout sandwich at the same place in Pa’ia on the way but read about another place that offered a little more for the same price and decided to try it out. Unfortunately, when we got there, it was closed. We opted for breakfast at Charley’s as recommended in the travel books and we were not disappointed! Macadamia nut pancakes for me, blueberry for Shan. We both only ate half. Didn’t want to feel full and bloated for our big trip!

The first stop was Twin Falls, which required a “3 to 5-minute hike,” according to the book, but it was much farther than that but well worth it, but once we got to the first waterfall, we noticed you had to walk through water to get to the natural pool. We both wore our hikers and didn’t want to get them wet. Shannan ultimately walked through the water. I watched. The water was too cold to swim in, so after taking a couple dozen pictures, we hiked back and took another trail to the second waterfall. There were lots of tricky rocks to climb but you should have seen my face when we approached a plank. Yes, I would say a five-foot plank connecting one piece of land to another. It wasn’t that long but it wasn’t a permanent fixture. It looked like somebody just found a piece of wood and tossed it there. I was terrified to walk over it. Of course, brave Shan had no problem. I requested that she carry on first to see if the ultimate destination was worth conquering this particular fear. She returned a short time later to declare it was. So I did, conquer my fear, that is. It was pretty scary but I’m a trouper (sort of!). Beautiful waterfall. Again, the water was too cold to take a dip.

Next stop was Waikamoi Ridge. This time it was all about the hike, no waterfalls, just incredible views and scenery, very cool looking trees and vegetation. We hike for about 45 minutes or so. As you enter, a sign reads “Quiet Trees at Work.”

We continued on this extremely windy, narrow, steep, treacherous road in complete awe of everything we were seeing. Just when you think you’ve seen the most beautiful sight in your life, you turn the corner and there’s an even more magnificent view. It was just breathtaking! There are not enough adjectives to describe what we saw that day. It was a lot of fun zipping around in a Jeep Wrangler! Incidentally, I did great driving and wasn’t scared except for a couple of times when we were on a cliff. There are no shoulders or guardrails on the Road to Hana and there are over 50 one-lane bridges to contend with. Before I forget to mention it, this was my favorite activity on Maui. It would end up being a very long day, 13 ½ hours round trip, but worth every minute.

Next came the Keanae Peninsula. The wild ocean was rough and giant waves were crashing into the lava rocks along the coast. I could watch that all day. It’s so incredible. We drove down into the village and got a glimpse of how the locals live. I struck up a conversation with a local named Nelson, whom I spotted “picking” coconuts from a coco palm tree with a 30-foot homemade pole. I asked him if he ever gets used to such beauty. He was a little standoffish at first. He admitted he and many locals do not care for tourists, and I can understand why. We’re like ants, pests, invading their homes and congesting their roads. We experienced a little animosity by a couple of boys on bikes a few minutes earlier who shouted something in what sounded like another language. I gave them the Official Hawaiian hand signal, ShaKa, “hang loose,” but what they said in return, I can assure you, was not said with love. I was determined to show Nelson not all tourists are bad. I asked him a couple of questions about the coconuts and life in Hawaii. He warmed up quickly, mentioned he was in New Jersey during his time in the military 20 years ago. Then he offered us a taste of the water in the coconuts he just worked so hard to pick. We happily accepted. He proceeded to retrieve a large object from the back of his like-new Ford truck. It was a knife…no, more like a machete! He swung it high in the air and with great force whacked the coconut, which was on the ground, straight down the middle! I may have shrieked; I’m not sure.

I thought the liquid inside a coconut was coconut milk. It’s not; it’s water. It was very good too. Then he offered us the “meat” of the coconut. Again, my experience with coconuts is pretty limited. I thought it was dry and flaky, like what you see in candy or on a cake, which I don’t care for. Fresh coconut meat is nothing like that. It’s soft with the texture of tofu. It tasted okay, nothing like the flaky stuff in candy and cakes. We thanked (“Mahalo”) Nelson for the coconuts and continued back towards the main road. But not before stopping at another local’s house to buy a brownie. Everything is on the honor system here. There are two large bins, one where you place your money, $2.00 in this case, and one with the food (or whatever item is for sale). You rarely see people, but you always see dogs roaming around the property. Leashes are optional in Hawaii, and it’s frightening to see dogs running around loose because they often run into the road or get lost. I miss my dogs terribly. When I get home, it will have been a month since I’ve seen them, because Shan drove them to her mom’s a week and a half before we left, and her mom is returning them a couple days after we return.

Probably the most anticipated checkpoint for Shannan was the Nahiku Coffee Shop (for obvious reasons). Shan had a cup of coffee (duh), and we shared the best berry pie (still warm) I’ve ever had! There was a group of hippies (?) beatniks (?). I don’t really know the proper term, but in Hawaii, especially in Kauai, there were a lot of people with dreadlocks and long flowy type clothing with poor grooming habits. In a way, I envy them for being so free spirited, but I don’t want to smell myself after days (?) weeks (?) without bathing. I think you have to like fish tacos to be a member, so I don’t think I’ll be joining that cult anytime soon.

We continued on to Waianapanapa State Park. Here is home to the Waianapanapa Beach, which is one of the only black sand beaches on Maui. It’s weird to stand on black sand. It’s not hot; it’s actually cool, and it looks like gravel. I don’t think I could park my beach chair there for the day. It’s kind of like Heinz green ketchup. It tastes the same as red, but there’s something just wrong about it!

What was really cool, though, about this place was the lava tunnel, which is basically a cave. I love the caves in Hawaii because there are no bats!
Finally, we arrived in Hana. Anyone who has taken this trip will tell you, it’s not the destination; it’s the journey. I have to agree. There isn’t much in Hana or maybe I just didn’t care. You see, I expected it to take three to four hours to take this incredible journey based on what I had read. In actuality, it took eight! We still had to hit the Seven Sacred Pools, which was another 10 miles further (10 miles is like 30 miles on these roads!) and we still had to drive back to our condo in Ka’anapali. It is no surprise that I was a wee bit cranky at this point. After a short argument, which often happens when two people are in a car together for eight hours and running solely on sugar (remember that brownie? Very berry pie? Oh, and lemon cake also picked up at the coffee shop. That’s all we ate since breakfast.), we stopped at a general store (lots of them in Hawaii), but not much here to eat, so I picked up some trail mix. We ate a lot of trail mix on this trip. We were off, our last stop and the grand finale, Oheo Gulch, which is inside Haleakala National Park, the same park in which we biked down the volcano but on the complete opposite end of the island. We were now traveling along the southern coast, which has nothing but a one-lane rough and dirt road for miles and miles. Apparently, the wealthy residents have enough clout to keep the roads from being improved (read: paved) to prevent more tourists from looping around and traveling north instead of backtracking over the Road to Hana again. But that didn’t stop us; we have a Jeep!

We hiked to three natural pools and waterfalls which were majestic and stunning. Again with the tricky rock climbing. I did okay and managed not to fall or drown. The water was cold, but when I saw Shannan get in, I was determined not to miss out. She swam to the waterfall; I only got in up to my waist. It was too damned cold! I struggled to get in and out maneuvering over the dangerously slippery rocks underneath the water. I’m sure you’re as tired reading as I am writing the words “beautiful,” “breathtaking,” and “incredible,” but unfortunately, my vocabulary is not large enough to include some more descriptive terms. Un-f’ing-believable views. How’s that?

Now the real fun begins – the drive home. Oh, my! Talk about narrow, rough roads. The book said the dirt road was a grueling four miles. I don’t know what planet he was driving on. It had to be 20 miles of dirt road. At one point, going over a small bridge, the road was paved and lined! Yahoo!!!!!!! Not so fast. It’s dirt again. What a tease. I didn’t care.

We were on another planet, it seemed. This side of the island is practically undisturbed. Every now and then you would see a fence, a cow, a piece of farm equipment, a house (not very often). It was primarily mountains, cliffs, and ocean. No beaches, just lava rock. It was so awesome. I was pretty hesitant about going home that way, but Shannan was very insistent. I am so glad we did. It was just as gorgeous and exciting as the Road to Hana itself. No, I’m going to take a leap and say it was more gorgeous, more scenic, more beautiful, more treacherous, more scary, more deserted, more windy (as in twisty), more narrow, and BUMPY, BUMPY, BUMPY! I’m sure if I ever return to Maui I will never do either road again. I am so thankful I had this experience. It will be etched in my mind for years to come.

Every so often we would encounter locals “tailgating.” Yes, this seems to be a popular pastime in Maui where locals pack up two or three pickup trucks with coolers, folding chairs, and a bunch of other junk, park on the side of a cliff and have a party. Fun.

After stopping for a brief moment to enjoy the sunset off a cliff, we made our way back to the condo at 7:40 p.m. We were starving. We made sandwiches, had cheese and crackers and beer and passed out, exhausted, dirty and smelly from one of the greatest days here!

J.Bo.

Sunday, Sunday

We were moving slowly on Sunday morning. We snorkled a bit on our beach, napped, and then went back to Lahaina. We watched the sunset from the marina and had salad and fried ravioli at BJ’s Chicago Pizza, which Shannan made fun of the night before: “Who would eat pizza in Hawaii?!” It was a cute place and the food was good.

My ankle was killing me, not sure why. I deduced it was a combination of walking in sand, climbing over volcanoes in flip-flops, and driving a Jeep with no cruise control. How am I going to spend the day driving and hiking tomorrow on the Road to Hana? Warning: the next blog will cover the Road to Hana. It will no doubt be long, just like the trip was, but well worth it, I hope. It was my favorite part of Maui!

J.Bo.

Every Day is Valentine’s Day in Maui

Maui is a very romantic place. We don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day. Sometimes, I’ll get Shannan a card or make her something, but I learned early on, actually the first V.D. we were together that she hates V.D. I was pretty bummed at the time. I wanted hearts and flowers and candy. But what I would soon learn is she is pretty romantic many days out of the year and doesn’t need one day to tell her to be. I, on the other hand, need that guidance! Every day we spent in Maui was wonderful and majestic. It almost seemed silly to focus on Saturday as any more special than the rest.

We drove down to Makena, which is at the southwestern part of the island. The drive was gorgeous (big surprise!) with the spectacular ocean views. You could just tell you were entering the very wealthy section of Maui because everything was just nicer…the landscaping, the strip malls, the houses, and then came the resorts. Yes, where we stayed was nice, but it’s kind of like, look in the direction of the resorts and it looks good, but look the other way where the locals live, and it’s not so nice. A lot of the shopping areas need a facelift. The landscaping isn’t impeccable throughout. But here as we approached Wailea, it wreaked of money! Then I remembered Jon & Kate Plus 8 (sorry, I love that show) stayed at the Grand Wailea to renew their vows. At the time I saw that episode, I quickly jumped on the internet to find out why I hadn’t discovered this place in my research and to see if we wanted to stay there. Uh, yeah, ok, it costs like $7,000 a night. That’s why. You know they didn’t pay a dime. Note to self: Have two sets of multiples, get own TV show, go to exotic places for free. Maybe not.

Anyone who knows me knows I always pack a lot of stuff when I’m going to be away all day, including food and water. I just didn’t feel like it; I figured we would just get lunch when we got there. Big mistake. Little did I know that Shannan ate lunch before we left. I had breakfast early in the day and really didn’t give it much thought (so unlike me). After we passed the big expensive resorts, we came upon the parking lot to Oneloa Beach, aka Big Beach, a long white-sand beach, and I realized I was in trouble. There was no food, no bathrooms, except for a Port-a-John, pretty much no civilization. Oh, well, I guess if I get hungry, Shannan will have to trek back to the food truck 2 miles back on the side of the road. She didn’t like that idea too much. Is it too much to ask on Valentine’s Day that you go gather some nuts for me on a deserted island? After a short disagreement about our respective hunter/gatherer roles, we were immediately distracted by the insanely incredible beach we were about to enter. Wow! This has got to be the most beautiful beach I have ever seen in my entire life! It was moderately crowded, empty compared to Jersey beaches, a lot of people for Maui.

We had a great time swimming and people watching. We decided to venture over the remnants of a volcano lava rock mountain (small one; don’t get crazy) to see Little Beach, which is known to be a gay beach and attracts nudists (not necessarily gay nudists). It seemed from afar as though people were climbing stairs up the lava rock and going up and over. But when we got there, I was not thrilled to see there were no steps, just rock. Maybe I can swim over? Ok, ok, I’ll give it a try. Shannan had to hold my hand and guide me where to step. It wasn’t easy, especially in flip-flops, but the locals were walking up and down it as though they were walking on flat land, which didn’t make me feel any better. I did it though, and I’m sure there was a fair bit of whining along the way. As we approached Little Beach, however, I noticed there was no real way down off the rocks. Shannan (and everyone else and their mother) managed just fine, but I paced back and forth looking for a good spot to make my way down. There really wasn’t one…except out towards the water; I could see a perfect step down. The only problem was there was a nude local woman sprawled out on a beach towel right where I needed to step. Oh, well, life’s a bitch, right? So I made my way over, muttered some apology in advance, something about “I’m not in Jersey anymore,” as Shannan grabbed my hand to help me down. First, though, I kicked sand in her Tecate beer cans, again apologizing profusely. Good thing they were empty. I didn’t even notice her large breasts during this whole thing. Well, maybe I peeked a little.

While we’re on the subject, I don’t much like nude beaches. It’s so damned distracting. Everybody’s nude! Nudity is a strange thing. It’s like a car wreck on the highway. You want to get where you’re going, but you want to see what happened. When you look, sometimes, you see something you don’t want to see, like blood and guts. You wish you hadn’t looked, but on the other hand, you want to know what blood and guts looks like, other than on TV. I know what nude people look like. I’ve seen plenty of nude people throughout my lifetime. But nudists tend not to be the kind of people we are accustomed to seeing, like in movies. I am completely amazed at the confidence exuding from the dozens of men strutting around with nothing more than a baby bird hanging from their…well, you get the picture.

You can tell who the tourists are too. They’re the ones with serious tan lines and whiter-than-white private areas and ridiculous hats on. The real nudists are all one color and aren’t screaming, “Look at me! I’m nude!” They’re just chillin’. But…you know what they say…when in Rome…no, we didn’t, not quite, but we did pull our bathing suit tops down when we were swimming in the water. It does feel good to go au naturale in the water. That was as far as we were going to take it. We didn’t stay long, because, as I said, I found it all so distracting, and I don’t think people appreciated the “deer in the headlights” stare on my face. Time to go.

On the drive back, we saw a rainbow. We actually saw four rainbows that day! I never get tired of rainbows:)

That night we went into Lahaina. We ate at the Cheeseburger in Paradise, a fun burger joint opened by a couple of lesbians, who expanded to three other locations in Hawaii, one in Vegas, and one in Key West, which me and Santina went to last year. They had a guy and a guitar singing, which was fun. The food was good too. We shopped a little and stood in awe of the famous Banyan Tree, which is the largest in Hawaii. I couldn’t take a picture of it because it’s just too big, but it is one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. It is 50 feet tall and has 12 major trunks that jet out in every direction horizontally and then at a 90-degree angle back into the ground. Way cool.

More to come…

J.Bo.

Friday the 13th means good luck in Hawaiian

I'm not a morning person. The plan was bike down the volcano the first full day in Maui because we'll still be on NJ time. You see, you have to arrive at the bike shop, which is an hour and 20 minutes away, before 4:00 a.m., so that means we have to get up at 1:30 a.m. Not so bad if you are on NJ time (6:30 a.m.), right? Sure, no problem. It doesn't matter. It's dark and I was sleeping...soundly. It's still hard! But I did it. We headed back the way we came, towards the airport, on that windy cliffside road, and then as we got closer to Haiku, where the bike shop is, it started to rain. Of course, the locals know this is normal in the North Shore. No need to panic. But i didn't know that yet. I really don't want to bike down a volcano in the rain, thank you. Can't back out now.

We're the first ones to arrive and somehow the last ones to pay and get fitted with our gear. Well, actually, I was last. I went to the bathroom and when I came back, everyone was suited up: helmets, windbreakers, windpants (made that up), gloves. Tim, the main guy, was nice enough and loved to tell corny jokes, entertaining enough for the hour of day, but i couldn't help notice his fingernails. I've never seen such fungus. It was so gross and really distracted me from his jokes because I kept wondering why he doesn't do something about all that fungus. There must be something on the market to take care of it. Shannan didn't seem all that concerned when I told her about it...until she saw it. She got distracted too. Yes, it was that bad! And to make it worse, his nails were really long. Maybe if he trimmed them a bit, the greenness woudn't have been so noticeable. Note to self: Google fingernail fungus, avoid any activity, food, or other environmental factor that causes such a condition.

We pile onto a tour van and head up to Haleakala Volcano. It's dark, cold, rainy, and foggy. Yes, prime conditions for a bike ride, eh? Thank Jesus himself I couldn't see anything or i would have had a panic attack driving up. It was just switchback after switchback, winding and twisting, ascending up, up, up. I just kept telling myself, even though he has the worst case of fungus I've ever seen, he drives up and down this road every day several times a day. He knows it like the back of his hand...uh, maybe not a good cliche. He knows it. He must. It's going to be ok. Tim continues to tell corny jokes, a couple of politically incorrect jokes, a few stories, again not side-splitting comedy, but entertaining enough under the circumstances. (For what it's worth, I did have a minor panic attack going back down because i could see, and Tim's jokes did nothing to distract me. I was petrified!)

We finally arrive to the top of the volcano after about an hour drive. Ok, i knew it was going to be cold, but it was beyond cold. I would say it was 35 degrees. Now, 35 degrees skiing in Vermont is perfect, right? You've got long underwear on, ski pants, sweater, ski jacket, yadda, yadda, yadda. No, 35 degrees in Hawaii is unconstitutional! Ok, well, it should be. We wore layers, just like the tour book says. Maybe not enough but layers just the same, bike shorts, long stretchy pants (could pass for pajamas), a sleeveless T-shirt, long sleeve heavy T-shirt, sweatshirt and the windbreaker and pants they gave us and, oh, the crappy gloves that i thought were so great in the store and left my winter gloves that i lugged here from NJ in the Jeep only to find out their crappy gloves sucked and my fingers were numb after 2 minutes of being outside! See how cranky i get when it's cold?!

I wanted to be a trouper. I really did. I tried. I kept talking to myself: it's going to be so worth it when the sun comes up. Oh, i'm going to forget all about this *#(*!_@ cold (and rain; did i mention it was still raining? and fog) as soon as that sun starts to come up. It's going to be great...really...i swear...don't worry...stop thinking about it...you've been colder than this. Wait a minute! I'm in HAWAII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why am I cold? Why do I want to be somewhere where it's cold? This is INSANE! Who's stupid idea was this? Do you know you can see the sun rise anywhere? You don't have to drive to the highest point of the freakin' island! We could have walked out of our condo and crossed the street. AHHH! And that would have been free! Ok, get a grip. There was shelter, by the way, a small structure, a museum? visitor's center? who the hell knows. There were 800 people in yellow and blue plastic suits huddled in there probably wondering the same thing I was: why are we here again?

The countdown is on...couple minutes. here it comes. It was so foggy -- no, actually we were so high up that we were in the clouds. Tim said it would burn off; it did yesterday. Well, it kind of did, but it was still pretty cloudy when the sun came up. People ooh'ed and ahh'ed and snapped their cameras like crazy people. It was nice. It was pretty. It was pretty amazing, with the crater and all, but was it worth it? Shannan thinks so. 799 other people probably thought so, especially the 700 that drove back down afterwards...in a car! But I didn't think so. I was cold:(

Ok, maybe it was woth it:)

Enough whining. Oh, that was Tim's number one rule: no whining. I didn't whine. I'm whining now, but he's not here so i'm allowed. Back in the van. He drives us out of the national park and down just a bit to where our bikes have been dropped off. We all get a bike and start to head down. It was really scary at first. I wasn't familiar with the bike; my seat was too low; I couldn't figure out how to work the gears. I almost crashed in the first five minutes. It's funny now but at the time I wasn't laughing! Once i got used to my bike, it was a lot of fun. There wasn't much pedaling. There was a lot of riding the brakes, all those switchbacks, twisting and turning and trying not to get hit by a car (there were no shoulders for the first 20 miles, I'd say). I don't even know how far the whole ride was, but I'm guessing it was 25-30 miles. We stopped several times to take in the views or say hello to a cow. We broke for snacks at the Kula Lodge, opting to sit on a log outside rather than eat in the restaurant with the rest of the pack. At that point, it was beautiful out. We stripped down to some respectable clothing that didn't consist of plastic or something you'd wear in the arctic.

We somehow found our way back to the bike shop. Tim went over the directions several times, the group reciting back "Left, Right, Left, Right, Right, Right" each time he'd ask. I shouted along in synch, confident I knew where all the turns were. In my defense that was in the middle of the night. By the time we actually had to navigate those turns, I was completely clueless. I think we were the last ones back, not that it was a race, but we took our time. We took the top off the Jeep and it immediately began to rain (remember, it's the North Shore; try to keep up, people). We ignored it and it stopped before we could complain.

We made a pit stop in Pa'ia and walked around looking for lunch, finally settling on a cute place that offers boxed lunches for Road to Hana folks (for us that comes in a couple days). Hummus and sprouts...mmm...our favorite. "Is there somewhere we can sit outside and eat?" I asked innocently. "The beach," the nice girl behind the counter said without making me feel stupid. Shannan filled that role nicely. We walked down the street a bit until we found access, parked our rumps in the sand, and ate the best sandwich in all of Maui, I'm sure, while taking in the gorgeous view of the ocean. It was a perfect moment.

We stopped at the popular surfing spot of Ho'okipa Beach. There were lots of surfers and windsurfers. It was fun to watch.

When we got back to the condo, it was around 2:00 (?). We were beat. Nap time! But I just couldn't fall asleep, so we decided to just shower and get an early dinner and just go to bed early (again!). Good thing we're not into clubbing; we'd never make it.

We found out every nice restaurant in Lahaina required a reservation, so we chose the Hula Grill. It's on the beach so we could catch the sunset. We were jonesing for a pina colada and so we had 2 each! It was fun. But what's up with people taking their kids to Maui?! and taking them out to dinner at (relatively) expensive restaurants? I became quite annoyed at this. Good thing we don't have kids, because I discovered I don't like them much. But i do. It's kind of like this. I never liked dogs until I got dogs. But really, i only like my dogs. No, i like some other dogs, cute dogs mostly. Dogs that don't smell and don't drool. See, i like other dogs. If i had kids, i'm sure i'd like my own kids. I like cute kids and kids that don't drool. But mostly i like kids in kid situations. I don't like kids in Hawaii. All i have been saying all week is, Why aren't these kids in school?! Sorry in advance to all my friends who have kids. Don't take it personally, but when I go somewhere romantic, I kinda expect to see other people being romantic, you know, toasting wine glasses, drinking tropical drinks with umbrellas in them, not force-feeding chicken fingers to their tots! And how can anyone afford to take a family of four to an expensive restaurant in Maui? Me and Shannan do ok, ya know, but we still gasp at the bill in the end. With a couple extra Shirley Temples and orders of spaghettios, we'd be breaking the bank! Ok, i just had to get that off my chest.

After dinner, we watched the sunset and then walked around Whaler's Village. There's tons of shops, all that touristy stuff. Mrs. Smith (Gertrude Petunia Smith, aka GPS) navigated us through the maze of timeshares and condos and delivered us safely back to our condo for the week. By the way, you can rent a GPS with your rental vehicle now. It is the best decision we have made on this trip. She can be a bit of a nag at times ("Recalculating. Recalculating") but overall she's a cool chick. I highly recommend it.

Th crashing waves lulled me to sleep at 8:30 p.m. I'm almost on Maui time...

J.Bo.

Shannan, we're not in Kansas anymore

Three cheers for Mokulele Airlines. I've flown first class before. Back in the day, when i was a court reporter and basically commuted to Boston from Newark weekly, I racked up so many frequent flyer miles, i was automatically upgraded to first class if a seat was available. That was the life. Over the years since then, i stopped flying so much. I didn't even have a frequent flyer card anymore. I was one of the common people. Once you fly first class, it's very hard to go back to coach. It's almost better not to; then you never know what you're missing. We got upgraded to first class because of the SuperFerry going into dry dock for maintenance. Even though Honolulu to Maui is only a 30-minute flight, we enjoyed every bit of the royal treatment. I love how the flight attendant takes your order before takeoff. We ordered some tropical juice, but I was tempted to order a scotch. Not sure why; it seems like the thing to do. This plane was really quite nice, even coach, with leather seats throughout. The whole plane seemed shiny and new. The same flight attendant who took our drink order was quite the tour guide and pointed out all the cool sights along the way, along with historical tidbits.

Once we touched down and collected our bags, we headed to the Thrifty Rental Car booth. Oh, by the way, my bag was still 3 pounds over the weight limit, but the woman at Mokulele Airlines who checked us in smiled and said, it's ok. People are just nicer here! Ok, so we find the Thrifty booth, but it's empty. A lonely phone with a sign directing us to pick up is all that resides here. We are directed to walk to the back and wait for the shuttle. The shuttle deposited us at the Thrifty lot where, once again, we were greeted by happy people. Wouldn't you be happy if every day was 80 and the sun was always shining...even when it rains? Another rookie mistake. I forgot to call my car insurance company and ask if we have full coverage for rental vehicles. I should've called right there on the spot, but i was so anxious to get to our condo that i just paid the extra daily charge. Dumb.

We got quick instructions on how to remove the soft top from the Jeep Wrangler, and we were off. Oh, that is after Shannan wrestled with my 53-pound oversized suitcase, trying to squeeze it through the Jeep's small window frame. We made our way out of the busy airport area of Kahului on Rts. 36 and 32 to scenic Rt. 30, aka Honoapiilani Highway, which starts off going south and then curves around the coastline heading west and finally north, all the while hugging the shoreline offering incredible ocean views. We stopped at the first lookout we came to and just soaked it all in. We're really in Maui!! It is amazing how incredibly miserable I am in the wintertime in New Jersey. I think i suffer from that weather-related depression. i don't even know what it's called. Some acronym. Not SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome)! SJDSIW, sudden jen death syndrome in winter, i guess will do for now. The minute I feel that mild, tropical breeze, i am a new person. I think i was a fish in another life. That would explain my insane love for water. I can't even drive by wetlands without exclaiming, ooh, water! Imagine how excited i am to be surrounded by the cool blue-green Pacific for 14 days.

Check-in wasn't until 3:00. It was like noon. We took a chance and lucky for us, our condo was ready. This place is heavenly. It's just a studio but turned out to be plenty big. The basic layout is that of a hotel room but the owner spared no expense when decorating and we appreciated her attention to detail. The bathroom is small but really nice with gorgeous tile and black granite countertop and an oversized vanity, plenty of space for all my crap. The kitchen is, again, small, but completely stocked with fridge, stove, sink, dishwasher and even an island, the same black granite countertop adorns the area. A huge (and I mean huge) closet was plenty of room for all of our clothes, shoes, suitcases, etc., not to mention stocked with beach chairs, beach mats, beach and bath towels, 2 boogie boards, a safe, cooler, iron and ironing board, extra blankets...i don't even know what else is in there, way more than we needed! There's even a large dresser that we had a hard time filling (even me!), a king-size bed, a TV, CD, DVD, couch, which we barely used or cared about, and finally, the best part of all, the lanai. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, it's basically a balcony but "lanai" sounds so much better, doesn't it? And this lanai overlooks the beach. We spent a lot of time on the lanai, every morning, coffee, breakfast, perusing travel books, people watching and -- get this -- whale watching. Yes, tons of them, all day, every day, blowing water (or air??) thru their blow holes, frolicking, jumping, diving. It was awesome. In the afternoons after returning from the beach or whatever activity we did (more to come on that later), we'd enjoy a couple beers and some cheese and crackers out there.

No need for air-conditioning this time of year. We left the wall-to-wall sliding glass doors open and let the crashing waves lull us to sleep, which for the first couple nights was REALLY EARLY because we were still on East Coast time.

J.Bo.

Hawaii or Bust

I have been stressing about packing light for our vacation to Hawaii. There are all these new rules and regs and fees associated with baggage. I was determined to only bring what I needed. We even got the tape measure out to make sure our bags didn't exceed the limits. It's an extra hundred bucks if you go over!

The night before our flight, in the middle of the night, I got out of bed and opened my super packed suitcase and began pulling items out. The thing was still so heavy. Sure enough, it was over...by 12 pounds! Yikes! It's those damned shampoo bottles, I'm sure. The skycap was kind enough to pull us into a dark alley and play "Let's Make a Deal" so we wouldn't get socked with baggage fees. I researched the whole thing thoroughly online and knew we didn't have to pay a $15 bag fee, for one thing, but he said we did, and he said it would be $50 for my bag...50+15+15...but...he will take care of us; and we will take care of him. Ok, thank you, sir. Take out a couple pairs of shoes and stick them in Shan's carry-on, tip him $40, and we're home free.

But it bugged me for hours. I kept thinking about it. You know, we bought our tickets in May. That's why we didn't have to pay the $15 bag fee. We didn't save $40; we saved $10. Ah, fooled again! To make matters worse, in all of the drama, he never asked to see our IDs! We went through Newark Airport, including security, without showing anyone our IDs. That's just great!

So our plane was delayed about an hour but we still managed to arrive on time. I'll never know how they do that, but i'm glad they did. This was a larger plane than I'd been on in a long time. Each seat had it's own video screen, equipped with remote control for video, audio, or games. I was thrilled. Hangman. Let me at it! As soon as the safety video played, i noticed my screen was all grainy. "Oh, great. Mine's broken!" A little bit into the flight, i convinced Shannan to switch seats with me so I could play Hangman without squinting. This after I convinced her to let me sit by the window (oops).

I settled into my new aisle seat with the shiny, pretty, crisp, clear video screen only to find her remote was all messed up. The cursor was bouncing all over the place selecting all the wrong letters! Argh. Overall, the 11-hour flight, which turned into 9 1/2 hours, wasn't bad at all. I highly recommend non-stop to Hawaii. Get it over with!

With all my preplanning, i made a rookie mistake. I didn't make arrangements for transportation from the airport to our hotel. We were only staying one night in Honolulu and flying to Maui the next morning. I picked the ResortQuest Hotel at the Executive Center near the SuperFerry because originally we were booked on a three-hour ferry ride to Maui, but they cancelled on us, something about going into drydock. Bummer. They hooked us up with an interisland flight and upgraded us to first class for the inconvenience. Ok, that's cool. Too bad it's only a 30-minute flight!

Ok, back to the airport transportation fiasco. In a moment of cheapness, i opted for a shuttle instead of taking a taxi, which was going to cost around $35 for a pretty short ride. I asked the shuttle woman in the booth if they went to the ResortQuest...blah blah blah, i said the complete name. Should've said the address. If only. She said yes. we paid the driver $18 for 2 of us and boarded the shuttle and proceeded to wait FOR-EVER to get going. Oh, yeah, i remember now why i hate shuttles. Now, mind you, it is a little before 8:00 p.m. Hawaii time, which is 1:00 a.m. New Jersey time. We left the house that morning at 9:30 a.m. so we were a wee bit tired and cranky. So the driver gets on the freeway and he's driving and driving and driving, and I see Nimitz Highway go by and specifically remember our hotel is off Nimitz. Where is he going?! I have such anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I just know something's wrong. Sure enough, he exits and we're in Waikiki. Oh, crap. Now I know he's gone too far. I finally say something to him about it, and he says, yeah, it's at the very end of Waikiki. No, it's not. It's by the ferry. Oh, well, i don't know where that is. Hmm, we don't go there. Well, you're gonna have to go there; we're already on the bus! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. It is becoming obviously apparent that we are not only not going to be the first ones dropped off but we were the LAST ones dropped off AND the idiot driver, after getting directions from the dispatcher, who had to "Google it," still couldn't find the hotel. Me and Shannan were giving him directions! The street it was on was a one-way street, and he kept screwing up, forcing him to go around the block...again and again. We finally arrived at our hotel at...drum roll, please...9:30 p.m.! Yes, what should have been a 10 minute ride turned into nearly 2 hours...&*(%#!*!

The room was beautiful. It was a freakin' apartment with a foyer, kitchen, living room, bedroom, bathroom, washer and dryer, two TVs, leather sofas, Oriental motif, all situated on the 20th floor with awesome views from every room. Too bad we passed out and didn't get to enjoy it for more than five minutes.

Tune in later for Maui...when the real vacation begins:)

J.Bo.

YANKEES

Beginning in April, my life is going to change drastically. I am going to leave the comfort of my home office, sweat pants, and bedhead for the greatest opportunity of my career. I am going to caption on-site at New Yankee Stadium in the Bronx for every home game.

When I learned a friend was doing this in Washington, D.C., for the Washington Nationals and the Washington Redskins, I decided that's what I want to do, but I had no idea how to go about getting such a gig.

A few weeks ago, an email landed in my inbox from a fellow captioner. The word was out -- the Yankees and the Mets are looking for an on-site sports captioner. I made contact, submitted a bid proposal, and was notified I got the job with the Yankees. I'd happily work for the Mets too, but I can't be in two places at one time! Clone me!

The idea of giving up my regular, steady work is pretty scary. I don't know if it will be there when the baseball season is over. I think it's worth the risk and can actually lead to other opportunities, so I just did it; I gave notice, and the companies I work for were great and offered to put me back in the loop if and when I return.

I'm sure the commute to the Bronx is going to be brutal, but I really believe the excitement and thrill of captioning a live sporting event will far outweigh the challenges of getting to and fro.

Play Ball!

J.Bo.

Wine

Why does wine make everything better? Especially Pino Grigio. I'm not a big wine drinker. Actually, I haven't had any wine in a couple of years because i thought i may be allergic to the sulphites, but last night after work, i took a hot bath and poured a glass of wine. I thought i was in heaven. I felt so relaxed. The kink that's been in my neck all week disappeared. I curled up in the parlor on my favorite overstuffed chair and finished sTori Telling, Tori Spelling's tell-all memoir. I know, cheesy, but I can't help it. I liked it. I'm a sucker for D-List celebrities.

So tonight, as we prepared dinner, i had some more wine. Everything tastes better with wine. Air Supply on the satellite radio sounds better. The freshly fallen snow looks better.

I think i'm a whino. uh-oh. No, it's just been two days. Get over yourself. Truth is i'm stressed. I've been waiting for a very important phone call...business...could be a huge oppportunity for me professionally. I'm like a kid during Christmastime. I can't wait. I need to open my presents NOW! Why hasn't he called? It's driving me bonkers and causing me pain in my neck.

The wine helps. The wine calms me down. The wine puts everything into perspective.

"Sail on...Honey...Good times never felt so good."

Wine even makes Lionel Richie sound so so good right now. I can't imagine how it's going to make Grey's Anatomy look in 10 minutes.

It's the socially acceptable heroin. Take a sip, sit back, and relax. Mmmm, wine. There's only one thing wrong with it, as far as I can tell. It's giving me the munchies. I thought only pot did that!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

J.Bo.